The only person I need to be honest with is myself. This leads me to be honest to whomever I come in to contact with. Whether I let anyone else in to what I'm really thinking, is my decision. So I write outloud to myself. In deep truths of knowing I would love to show the person that motivates my thoughts down to paper my reality. My intentions, my dreams,my fantasies and so on.
This one starts with you. A love from my past. A love in my dreams. And it's been my dreams that lead me to finding you more then once.. Looking on the account of regret. And you ask "what regrets". In all these years that you have come to the front of my thoughts it's when I've questioned my being. For real I do this. Don't we all?
When I feel times of loneliness. When I want to have the comfort of someones arms around me, I think of you. And "IF" not what if.. But "IF" I was to have recognized what we had when we were young and I had stayed with you.. I would still (and I know this with all my heart) be with you. We would have had an awesome life and still would be having one of those lives that you were the perfect lover, the perfect father, and the perfect provider and our children would have grown into fine young people.
In coming to find you though. All those years I dreamt of this I find you don't hold the same memories. And I thought I had all these memories from the actions that were shown when we were together.
My memories of yes our short relationship have been some of the only memories I have held on to from my past. After being ill for a few years and I look back to see what memories I do hold.. The memories of us come to mind. This must be why I searched for you and praying that in a fantasy world there could be an us.
I'm not so sure now. I wasn't the love of your life as I had been told. We weren't important enough to remember is a thought I had until you told me of why you don't remember. But I guess I just wish you did.
When I found you years ago when I first moved away from Cali.. I had found you through one of my dreams. I have told you this since but you still don't remember. But when I found you and called your first reaction when you picked up the phone was my name and " I was just thinking about you" Now you hadn't spoken to me in 10 years and you still thought of me. Then I talked to you when your wife walked in and you said to her "remember that girl I told you about?" and she said "yes" you said "this is her, she found me" (You said this in a "good" sort of way). Then I said I would let you go.. That I didn't call you to cause you problems .. and I hung up. But none of this is a memory for you.
I feel sort of foolish. I'm not a psycho dreamer. Infact I have very few fantasies. But I do have a lot of dreams to live a life with someone that has similiar dreams. Fantasies are abstract to me. Dreams can become a reality.. That's what I had when I thought of you.. dreams not fantasies.
We talk now and I have accepted without you knowing any of this that I will be happy with you as a true dear friend. I don't think you would have me now. And I'm not wanting to lose you completely ever again, so friends is great to me. I have come to that reality. Put it this way. If there ever were a chance I would seriously consider it. Because? Because I know what love you are capable of giving. I know what love I am wanting to give in return. But again I jump back down to reality, with little slip ups of truth being spattered from my brain to my lips.
Don't feel sorry for me. Don't go away so my feelings won't get hurt. I'm a big girl and all I want for you is the cliche of all I want is happiness for you. And truthfully I envy the one that gets your heart. And I don't dare tell you any of this for the fear of you thinking I'm wierd. Or "oh god what's wrong with her?" opinion of me. Nothing.. I am completely normal in all other forms of my life. Your my one fantasy now. Another part of life that I will never get to experience. But having some you is better then not having any of you.
These are some of the memories I have of us.. maybe telling you might help you visualize some of them. I remember meeting you and hanging out over at that apt. complex as it was being built. I remember racing in office chairs on the unfinished floors and you made me laugh till I cried. I remember you coming to my place. I remember motorcycle rides with you. I remember my apt. mgr loving you. I remember the black rose and the most special gift of all was the mirror with my name on it. I had that mirror for years till one time when I was moving one of the movers broke it.. along with my heart. I cried like a baby over that mirror. I remember talking to you in the hospital right after your first wreck and you telling me while you cried with your mouth wired shut to never call you again. I don't remember a lot of my life after that up until when I was sick.
But I cannot blame you or be angry at you for not remembering.. I only wonder if I was wrong in having those memories..Was I a fool this whole time? Then again I tell myself no..because I know I didn't imagine any of it.. I went off real live experiences, and that's ok..
I want to continue with you in my life. I want you in my life any way you can be there. And when you find the love of your life. I hope she is secure enough to know I would never risk our friendship on interfering in your relationship.. Sends me back to just wanting you to be happy.
After hearing you speak on how you are today.. It gives me hope that I can have a man like you love me and I might not settle till I do. You have shown me that my dreams of how a man can be does exist. And if not with you, there has got to be someone else. It's not a fantasy.. because they, you do exist. Thank you for that confirmation.
I hold my head high.. I breathe.. And I know..
Please remain in my life any way you can.................... if you want to..... I hope you do...
